May Day

I didn't mean for May to be such a monumental month for me but it is really shaping up to be that way.  I signed up last week for my college graduation ceremony. This has been a long time coming. I started college like many right out of high school but found that I was not ready to actually go into class and study or at least didn't have the motivation to do it. I took classes off and on but than a couple of years ago decided I was getting passed up on too many jobs to not do something about it. It seems the corporate world wants you to have a degree but they don't really care what it is in. I started back to school a couple of years ago. It has seemed like an eternity and because I didn't get my associates first I lost some credits that I had already taken because of my stupidity. I originally wasn't going to walk but as I get closer to finishing I am finding that I am excited to walk and prove to myself I did it.

The other thing that is monumental for me in May is my first and maybe last half marathon. I originally was not chosen to do this half but they later came back and let me in. The Ogden Half marathon is set along the beautiful Ogden Canyon and is mostly down hill. As a runner you realize even though down hill should be easier some times it is worse on your chins and other parts of your body.  In the past I have only done 5Ks and a 7k so this will be the longest I have ever ran. I am trying to get into a training schedule but the holidays are hard on time. I am going to have to settle down and start getting my running time in so that I will be prepared for this huge goal of mine.

I posted a picture of the Ogden canyon where there is a waterfall at one spot. My goals are somewhat like this waterfall. When you have your goals they may make you feel you are going off a cliff like this to a waterfall. They may seem steep and a long way to the bottom or end. If you believe in yourself to reach out and jump over that cliff you may find that you amaze yourself. Any goal that is worth while is just outside of your comfort zone and will make you grow and be stronger.  You just have to have the guts to make that first leap of faith.

I am a huge Lord of the Rings Fan and I really love the quote from the movie where Bilbo is talking to Frodo his nephew he says :"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to” Bilbo Baggins. I think come may I will look at what I have done and maybe go out my front door again to see where I will be swept away too. Meeting these goals doesn't mean I am done it means I can move on to new ones.

Gratitude should be your attitude

My little sister Melanie lives in Montana with her husband and 7 of the most amazing and beautiful children.  I don't get to see them enough and some of that is my fault. She is so amazing to me because of the fantastic mother and optimistic person she always is. She is so nice all the time and super resourceful. She was recently here for thanksgiving and I am always amazed at how she is with her kids.

Last week I received a card in the mail from Melanie.  I was a super sweet note just telling me how proud she was of me and how she admired me. The note was so sweet in made me cry. It also made my week and had me thinking how often do we take the time to say something nice to someone, this includes ourselves.  Then this morning I had some random stranger tell me I looked nice today. This made me smile and thank the person. I walked into the store and was instantly uplifted by his kind words. We never know what a kind word for someone does.


This made me think am I the type of person who has gratitude for people and lets them know that I am thankful they are in my life or do I just take them for granted. I hope that if I am not I grow to be a thankful person.  I have some amazing people in my life and I hope they know how much I am grateful and love them. I try to tell them as often as I think about it but I am sure there are people that I don't tell I love and appreciate them often enough.

I once had an experience where I had a great friend go into the hospital for brain surgery. I felt really impressed to go visit her before she went in the next day for surgery. I visited her and let her know that I loved her and was grateful for all the things she had done for me growing up. I told her how much I appreciated her being there to listen to me.  She went in to surgery and it seemed to work OK. Not very long after her tumor grew and we lost her just a few short months later.  I look back on that and was so grateful I had taken the time to visit her personally.  Since then I try to not any thought like that pass without acting on it. Several times it has lead me to do things like send notes to people or go to dinner with friends. I will never have any regrets because I  know it is best to act on that thought. There is a reason for that thought. I feel that we should always be grateful for those in your lives and let them know because no one is promised tomorrow.

Looking ahead to next year

Around this time of year people start looking ahead to what they want to accomplish in the year to come. I am not normally a person who sets new years resolutions but I started thinking about next year and what is actually on my plate. I will officially be graduated in March and am looking at walking in May. I also have been selected to be in a half marathon in May. This leaves me thinking is there anything else I might want to accomplish. I think that this is quite a bit to handle in one year but what if it were something that compliments what I am already set to accomplish.

The one thing that has eluded me is my goal weight. I have come a long way but I would like to lose some more weight. I will never be super skinny and I am OK with that but I would like to lose a bit more weight and feel healthy. This I think I can accomplish because of my goal to finish the half marathon. I have to train for the half and part of that is eating and drinking more healthy. I am better than I used to be but not as good as I can be.

There is nothing holding me back from obtaining my goals but me and it is time to have a serious talk with me.  There is a quote I recently saw and this is how it goes.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

 

 

Next year I am going to challenge me to change myself. I think I will win the challenge.

Lacey the itty bitty killer

So my company set us up with a personal trainer that comes twice a week for a core/foam roller class. For this is am really thankful because not every company would do this. We still have to pay a small price but it is next to nothing.  I go as often as I can.

Lacey is the personal trainer who comes to train/kill us.   She is super small and I thought she was in her early twenties when I first met her but she is in her late 30's. She is a level 3 personal trainer that owns her own gym. She is amazing at pushing us as far as we think we can go and then just a little more. She is motivational and hard at the same time.  The things she has us do are so elementary not usually any sort of special equipment used and most of the steps we already know.  There are some small changes to the Squats, lunges, push ups, crunches and other exercises she make us do.

After our hour with Lacy we are exhausted and can feel it the next day. There are typically the same four or five people in there and she seems to pick on everyone equally. It is kind of nice to have a few others in there with her. I however had at least one session with her alone. I really liked it because she worked me hard but also we concentrated on my specific areas of need. I also talked to her about my meds, my issues, my weight and she offered some insights for me. She is not just a trainer but she is also an RN which is super helpful because she understands the med piece that I talked to her about.

Once class we had we discussed nutrition in specific while we were working out. There were things she said that made a lot of sense.

I can't say that I am a ton stronger but I know I am somewhat stronger. I feel it every time I go and when I run too. They say that runners need to cross train and she and this class are perfect for my goals for next year. I also try to incorporate some of her training into my running routine. She gears things to what we do activity wise outside of the class. There is me and there is a guy who is a soccer player so things at times she says gear directly towards that.

I am really thankful for this class, my work offering it and Lacey the itty bitty killer.

Running and Me

I have always had friends that were amazing runners and never understood how they did it and enjoyed it.  A year ago I decided to try a race. I was not prepared and it took me a super long time. I thought at one point this 5k was going to kill me. When I finished I found that what I really felt was alive.

When that one didn't kill me I thought I could set a goal to do at least a few. I figured that a goal should be at least a few. As I got going I found I really enjoyed it. I finished 5 races last year. My last one was pretty emotional because it was a huge goal for me to accomplish.  One of my races was a 7k and I placed second in my age group. Ok there were only two of us in that age range but still it was kind of cool. The person I lost my age range to was a girl that came up to me and asked my name. When I looked at her I knew I that I knew who she was. Becky went to high school with me and had started running a year earlier.  It was great to reconnect with her and in the process her hubby who I also went to school with.

For me running is a very personal thing. It helps with stress and motivates me to push further. Many people say "I saw you out running and it inspired me to start again". I think this is nice but it isn't why I do it. I find that I love it and the runners high I get from it.  I will finish 7 races this year. I am hoping to one day run a half marathon and a RAGNAR. I know my limitations but I find they are less than even I thought they were. I love what running does for my body but even more what it does for my mind.

I find when I am really in the running mode I have to run at least every other day or I get grouchy. Something about being out there with just me and my IPOD is really nice. I am the one in charge of how far and where I want to go.  I am not saying it is for everyone but I really like it for me.

There is a very large running community out there. You can connect with them in many ways. I have connected with them through social media and other outlets. They are wonderfully supportive and offer advice when you ask. I have learned a lot since my first run but I still have more I would like to do. With a running community if you want that competition you can connect with it but if you just want support you have it too.

Family, friends and neighbors that run are great community also. I am blessed with great friends, neighbors and family that run and can give advice that is really helpful. They are also super supportive no matter how slow I am. Last year at my first race our neighbors met me along the way to cheer me on. These neighbors are super amazing runners, and even do triathlons so this was amazing to me and gave me a taste of what the real running community was about.

I originally wrote this on Friday afternoon. On Friday night I got an e-mail telling me that I was selected/invited to sign up for the Ogden half marathon. I am super excited and nervous as hell. It will be my first and It is totally a challenge for me mind, spirit, and body.

That moment when

I often get asked what was that one thing that got me to start doing better with my health.  I think they are looking for that one thing to help them start. I wish I could send them to a website or a book or a pill or something but that is just it; there is no one thing for everyone. Everyone has such personal reasons for their issues that there is no one thing that can motivate you to do what you are afraid of doing.  I am not even sure there is a one thing for me. I just knew it was time for me to stop sitting on the side lines of my life. I knew I wasn't happy with myself and I was sick all the time.

I often hear people say that "It is what it is." I am not sure what they mean but to me it means they feel like they have no options and they are OK with just what is going on in that situation. I hate this saying because I feel that if "it is what it is" than you still have some options. You can change your place in the situation or you can change your attitude about that situation. For me I wasn't OK with "it is what it is with my health or my diabetes. I decided that yes, I do have diabetes and that is how it is. But I don't have to let it run my life. I can do as much as I can to run it and not let my attitude get in my way.

I still have a way to go but as you can see I have accomplished much. I try to look back every so often at where I was and where I have come as a good boost to show me I can do it. At times I get discouraged or feel inadequate with myself. These are the times I remember one thing my youngest daughter (Chloe') told me. She once told me "If you tell yourself you can't mom, You never will.  I thought about it and now realize how right she is. Our negative self talk holds us up from trying things we can do.

The inside piece

I did say inside and out.  I like many others have had issues with self esteem and personal problems. These have bogged me down and made me feel inadequate as a person, mother, wife and friend. There have been really low periods of my life.

I am not sure when it started but at some period of time I decided yes I may have issues with self esteem but everyone does. I found that I decided I am awesome and can do anything I set my heart on doing. This is when things turned for me.

I started back at school to finish my degree. It is not really fun going back to school at 40. I am now pretty thankful I did it. I have three classes left until my degree is done.

I am not perfect and no one is I think that is why I am OK with me. Once I stopped being so critical of me or anyone else all the time I found I felt better about myself .

I have been told by many that I am inspiring to them. This makes me a little nervous to be someones inspiration. I really only want to worry about me and not inspiring others.  They always want to know who I did it aka what was my secret. There are no secrets, you just need to believe in yourself.

I still struggle with self esteem and other issues but as long as I struggle less and less than I consider that a victory.

The beginning of my story

I set up this blog primarily for me to journal my "Rebuilding". I have had some drastic changes in weight which I am still working on. I also have had some drastic changes in my attitude. They are all connected to each other I am sure however I am not sure which started when.

The most horrific day of my life was October 13, 2003. I went to the doctor with some issues I was having. My doctor took one quick test and said you have Diabetes.  I have family with diabetes and even lost an Uncle to the effects of the disease.  I went to the educators who scared the crap out of me. They had me more depressed than anything because of the negative attitude they gave with the training.

I went along my way doing what I wanted and taking my pills. I finally went to a specialist in 2009 who was amazing. Donna gave me ideas and told me things I had never even though of. She moved around my meds and gave me a new one that helped me lose weight.

This new doctor energized me and made me think I was going to be OK. That is when my mind took over. I started losing weight and feeling pretty good. Soon I had lost 60, than 70 and 80 pounds.  I am currently closer to 90 pounds down from my original weight. I knew there was more to it than eating better and less.

I have always had friends that run and I have always admired them. I finally decided to run my first race a 5k July 4th, 2011. When it didn't kill me I decided I could do more and set a goal of 5 last year. I finished my last one on Thanksgiving. It was pretty emotional  and also satisfying.

This blog is meant to be my journey as I rebuild my body, mind and soul.