October 13, 2003 is one of the worst days I have ever encountered. I had not been feeling well and was pushed by a friend to go to the doctor and found out that I had Diabetes type 2. This completely changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined.
Fast forward ten years, I still don't have all the answers figured out. I still struggle at times with eating right and exercising like I should. I have done well but feel I have been in a slump the last few months. I know I can get out I just need to work my mind through it.
I think I have gotten lost in worrying about lots of other things and I forgot the main reason why I started this quest to become more healthy. It is easy to get side tracked in lots of different thoughts about what others think is right for you but what really counts is what you thing is right for you.
I started eating less and more healthy and lost weight. Then I started running to help with my weight loss and found I loved running. A year ago I ran several races and loved each and every one. I set my sights on a longer running goal. In my quest to run further and do more I injured myself. In working to get better there was lots of helpful ideas that people gave me. The problem for me came when I though about those more and what my real goal was less. I found I was kind of depressed and I didn't love running because I felt I wasn't progressing like I wanted to.
I am at a point in my life where I need to work on getting back to the basics. Eating more healthy and running for me. Does this mean I give up my half marathon goal? No way, It just means that I want to get back to running for the love of it. Once I am back at that place I can move forward getting more miles in and feeling more confident about finishing a half marathon.
I need to be more consistent about taking my blood sugars, this will help me know where my diabetes control is at. I need to track my eating with a calorie counting app, which will help keep me accountable for what I eat. I also need to commit to exercise and specially running on a more consistent basis four to five days a week would be a very good goal for me. These are all things I know and it is up to the inside to push the outside in me so they can both rebuild stronger.
"If there really are two paths, I want to be on the the one that leads to awesome." kid President
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Out of Sorts
Since I graduated I have felt out of sorts a bit. I can't seem to shake free of this funk. I am still running but with less urge or desire to run. I love it when I am out there and feel that I could run better and longer if I could get out more often. I have just been feeling defeated.
My eating hasn't been super good either. I find that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by life even though nothing huge is going on. I am not sure what the route of this depression is. I only know that I hate it and in turn feel that I am not a fan of myself.
I decided to analyze my funk since that is what I do in the work world. I looked at what I was doing and compared it to my norm. Then I realized this isn't my norm anymore. My norm is more active and less weight. My eating is better and so I realized that I have let myself slip from the norm for me. This slip has happened over time and that is how I am going to have to turn it back. It is up to me to do it no one else can do it for me.
I have goals that I still want to accomplish this year and my slacking in eating and exercise are getting in the way of what I want to do. This new trend is not one I like and I am the only one who can change it.
___________________________________Update_________________________________
So when I started writing this I felt really out of sorts. I knew I needed to do something but was so out of sorts that I was almost in a depression. I have been working on it and found that I am getting a little better at my eating and I love my running I just need to make more time to get more running days in. I will be the only one to know when I am feeling like I am back to normal but as long as I was just sitting there feeling out of sorts and doing nothing I couldn't feel any better. I can't be on the side lines of my own life I have to get in the game and go for it.
Friday, June 14, 2013
When is an epic fail and epic fail
There were other things at play. I had not trained like I should and so the self-doubt was huge. Anytime I race I feel nervous but this time was different. This time I was doing a race that I knew I was not ready for. Nerves and stress can play a huge role in diabetes. For me this was a recipe for fail. The night before we were running around doing things and I didn't eat like I should. I went to bed early knowing I had to get up at 3AM. I woke up at 11:30 with a blood sugar of 28. This might not mean much to some people but a normal blood sugar is between 80 and 120. At 30 and below you can pass out and much worse. That is exactly how I felt.
Diabetes is a weird and awful thing. When your blood sugar goes low you need to take in calories with sugar and protein to get your blood sugar up and keep it level which is what the protein does. At 28 I was in a panic with sweat dripping and started eating anything I could get my hands on. Instead of being calm about taking things in you end up being in a frenzy. Which meant by the time I went back to bed and the alarm came at 3AM I felt absolutely awful. The combination of feeling horrible and it pouring rain out was terminal for my running that day.
This post is about when epic fail is fail. That day was an epic fail because I felt crappy all day. This story only becomes a fail if I give up on the goal of trying to complete a half-marathon. I have started picking up my training in anticipation of completing my first half still. I am cross training and stretching. I am also working on testing my blood sugar more often so that I know where my body is.
In life there is always set back and fails. This is how we learn. Someone once said that it is not how many times you fall it is how many times you get back up that counts. I have a hard time with this as many people do but we need to look as failure as a learning and part of the whole process of life. But like the song says I am not giving up the fight.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Take time to celebrate
I received my college diploma today. I have been going to school for the last year and a half basically full time. One class every 6 weeks. I decided after several years of off and then some years of off and on that I needed to finish what I started. I finished my classes on April 1 and decided to participate in the whole graduation ceremony and have a celebration. I felt a little weird about doing it but then I decided that I worked really hard to finish my degree and I deserved to celebrate.
One friend said it would be good to show my kids that it is important. I found that I was pretty emotional that day actually thinking about what I had finally accomplished. It is a big deal for me. I started right after high school trying to work on my college. I got overwhelmed, burnt out and quit. Then life happened and it took me a bit to get back to school.
I find that as I finished my school I wasn't concentrating on other goals and so there was another goal I ended up having to move back. I didn't drop this goal but I had to move it and I will go into those details in another post.
My whole thought in this is that when you reach such a monumental goal you need to take time to celebrate and enjoy the goal you reached. I am so glad I went back and finished my degree and I am even more glad that I did the graduation ceremony and party. I achieved a major goal and should take time to celebrate it.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Self Sabotage
I have always felt the key to being successful in losing weight, or really anything is to find out the things that are holding you back and find out why you allow them to hold you back. Remember I am not one of those people who believe that "It is what it is".
For me I think there is a bit of Self- Sabotage going on. Self-Sabotage is when you have goals or something you want to do but instead spend all your time and effort trying to fail at that goal. The key for me or anyone is to find out why you are trying to sabotage yourself.
I was doing some research on this and found that according to an article I read from Mark Tyrrell there are 5 main reasons we sabotage ourselves. They are familiarity of failure, unconsciously need to be in control, Unworthy feelings, Bad habits, and need for excitement or what I call drama.
Most of these are self explanatory but being able to determine which one you may use or which ones you may use. Lets face it we all probably have more than one that we use at times. I think for me it is a combination of bad habits and feeling unworthy.
Like many other people I have faced self-esteem issues. I feel I am better now than in the past but it is something that I have to continue working on. I need to tell myself that I am worth being successful and having good things that can happen to me if I work for them. I have found that not many people can say they are completely happy with their self esteem. I have also found over the years the ones who you think are so self assured are the most insecure people.
I have had bad habits and still struggle with bad eating habits. It didn't get any better when I was diagnosed with diabetes. What should have started me controlling myself better made me worse. I was angry and unhappy that I was diagnosed. It wasn't fair but like they say in one of my favorite movies, Princess Bride "Life isn't fair, anyone who tells you it is, is selling something". I finally figured that I was the only one suffering from my stupidity. I have a better control of my diet but I still struggle. I eat too much junk food that I know I shouldn't be eating. Just because you are diagnosed with diabetes it does not stop you from craving that piece of chocolate cake or whatever it is you like (for me it may very well be chocolate cake).
I recently pulled my Achilles tendon running and training for my half marathon. I have a boot and can not run so I am going to use this time to do a couple of things to see if I can get on the right track and stop my self-sabotage.
First I am going to track it all basically observe myself without judgment or self loathing. I have an app on my phone where I am going to track my food and water intake. I am going to track my blood sugar at least two times a day. These are all things I suffer from. I know I am supposed to test my blood sugar but in my head (my self-sabotage) I think if I don't take my blood sugar I must be fine right?!?! Very wrong. I am also thinking that tracking my food and water intake will show where I can cut out and where I might want to add a healthy snack so I don't reach for junk food.
Michael talks in his article about "not throwing the baby out with the bath water"; I do this sometimes too as a self-sabotage. If I make one mistake I feel like I have messed up my entire diet so I might as well blow it good. This is something I have worked on but need to continue to work on. No one is perfect no matter what they say and when I have an epic fail moment I need to just get back to being good without the thought that I have blown it. I need to realized that I have a new opportunity the very next time I go to put something in my body or not put something in my body whatever the case may be. I think I just need to keep my eye focused on my goal. And really it isn't an end goal it is a journey.
For me I think there is a bit of Self- Sabotage going on. Self-Sabotage is when you have goals or something you want to do but instead spend all your time and effort trying to fail at that goal. The key for me or anyone is to find out why you are trying to sabotage yourself.
I was doing some research on this and found that according to an article I read from Mark Tyrrell there are 5 main reasons we sabotage ourselves. They are familiarity of failure, unconsciously need to be in control, Unworthy feelings, Bad habits, and need for excitement or what I call drama.
Most of these are self explanatory but being able to determine which one you may use or which ones you may use. Lets face it we all probably have more than one that we use at times. I think for me it is a combination of bad habits and feeling unworthy.
Like many other people I have faced self-esteem issues. I feel I am better now than in the past but it is something that I have to continue working on. I need to tell myself that I am worth being successful and having good things that can happen to me if I work for them. I have found that not many people can say they are completely happy with their self esteem. I have also found over the years the ones who you think are so self assured are the most insecure people.
I have had bad habits and still struggle with bad eating habits. It didn't get any better when I was diagnosed with diabetes. What should have started me controlling myself better made me worse. I was angry and unhappy that I was diagnosed. It wasn't fair but like they say in one of my favorite movies, Princess Bride "Life isn't fair, anyone who tells you it is, is selling something". I finally figured that I was the only one suffering from my stupidity. I have a better control of my diet but I still struggle. I eat too much junk food that I know I shouldn't be eating. Just because you are diagnosed with diabetes it does not stop you from craving that piece of chocolate cake or whatever it is you like (for me it may very well be chocolate cake).
I recently pulled my Achilles tendon running and training for my half marathon. I have a boot and can not run so I am going to use this time to do a couple of things to see if I can get on the right track and stop my self-sabotage.
First I am going to track it all basically observe myself without judgment or self loathing. I have an app on my phone where I am going to track my food and water intake. I am going to track my blood sugar at least two times a day. These are all things I suffer from. I know I am supposed to test my blood sugar but in my head (my self-sabotage) I think if I don't take my blood sugar I must be fine right?!?! Very wrong. I am also thinking that tracking my food and water intake will show where I can cut out and where I might want to add a healthy snack so I don't reach for junk food.
Michael talks in his article about "not throwing the baby out with the bath water"; I do this sometimes too as a self-sabotage. If I make one mistake I feel like I have messed up my entire diet so I might as well blow it good. This is something I have worked on but need to continue to work on. No one is perfect no matter what they say and when I have an epic fail moment I need to just get back to being good without the thought that I have blown it. I need to realized that I have a new opportunity the very next time I go to put something in my body or not put something in my body whatever the case may be. I think I just need to keep my eye focused on my goal. And really it isn't an end goal it is a journey.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
New Year Still rebuilding me
I have been trying to think about this year and what I want to accomplish for me. I have goals that have been set in place that I will be reaching this year. My schooling I will finish this year with a Bachelors in May. I will also be running my first half marathon this year also in May. I didn't intend for these two huge goals to occur in the same month but somehow it worked that way. To me these are two of the biggest goals I could accomplish. I have been working on them for a while but I am getting close to the finish line and need to have some ambition to finish them.
With School I have been going non stop for the past couple of years. I am down to two classes and it seems a bit odd now that I am this close to graduating. I have begun wondering what I do with my degree once I get it. I could stay with my company which is a pretty good company to work for. I could also look at other options including moving with my company, joining another company or even moving away with another company. I learned long ago that company loyalty does not count for much when up against the bottom line at least in the corporate world. I just think whatever I decide I need to be happy with my job because if I am happy with my job than it is less like work.
The Ogden Half Marathon is creeping up and I need to get myself prepared for this. For me this means more time running and less excuses. I am sure I could walk/run it now but I am not sure I would feel so great for a long time afterwards. I need to work on my commitment level so that I can reach this goal. This one to me is the scariest of my goals this year.
I have additionally tacked one goal on which is to lose the rest of the weight that I need. Because I am running the Half Marathon I think this goal goes hand in hand with that goal. I don't want to run 13.1 miles with this extra amount of weight.
To reach these goals and more I have come up with some thinking and some do's as well as some don'ts.
1. Think before I put things in my mouth. I need to think long and hard about if I want that treat bad enough to work it off later.
2. Think about drinking more water. I drink water mostly but not enough of it. I need to think and drink more water.
3. Think about things before I say them. As a person I may feel anger or other things but I need to think about how it will make the other person feel before I say them. I think we can all use to remember that when you say something it is out there and no matter what we do we can't take it back. Apologizing wont remove that awful thing you said.
4. Do think about and do random acts of kindness and even random comments of kindness. You never know what a nice word to a stranger or a friend will do.
5. Think about taking more time for me to run and don't feel guilty about doing it.
6. Do tell my family and friends more often that I love them. There is a saying out there that says no one is promised tomorrow. It is true and if your tomorrow doesn't come or a loved one don't I want them to know how I felt about them.
7. Do forgive myself for my imperfections and move on working on becoming better. I tend to mess up and dwell on it for a while. I need to move on.
8. Do have fun in my runs. I started running to get some time alone to my thoughts. I find that when I concentrate on my mind piece I enjoy my running much more.
9. Do think that I am invincible even thought I know I am not. My mind and your mind are powerful tools and can make you do amazing things if you tear down the barriers in your Mind.
10. Do enjoy each success no matter how small or large. Enjoying my success in a positive way is key for me. I don't want to lose weight to go and have an entire cake.
11. Do move forward each day even if it is just a little bit. Baby steps in the right direction are just as important and giant leaps.
12. Do ask myself each day what I am doing today to reach those goals that I have set for myself.
13. Say something nice to myself each night. I take this from my friend Patsy and it is a great idea. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone. Before I go to bed I need to say something nice to myself to counteract all the bad stuff I have probably said or thought.
I am closing this with a thought that I found last year. I keep it in my wallet and look at it often. I think sometimes I need to read it every morning so I don't get discouraged and keep focused. I am not sure who put it out there but it says:
" It will hurt. It will take time. It will require dedication. It will require willpower. You will need to make healthy decisions. It requires sacrifice. You will need to push your body to its max. There will be temptation. But, I promise you, when you reach your goal, its WORTH IT."- Unknown.
With School I have been going non stop for the past couple of years. I am down to two classes and it seems a bit odd now that I am this close to graduating. I have begun wondering what I do with my degree once I get it. I could stay with my company which is a pretty good company to work for. I could also look at other options including moving with my company, joining another company or even moving away with another company. I learned long ago that company loyalty does not count for much when up against the bottom line at least in the corporate world. I just think whatever I decide I need to be happy with my job because if I am happy with my job than it is less like work.
The Ogden Half Marathon is creeping up and I need to get myself prepared for this. For me this means more time running and less excuses. I am sure I could walk/run it now but I am not sure I would feel so great for a long time afterwards. I need to work on my commitment level so that I can reach this goal. This one to me is the scariest of my goals this year.
I have additionally tacked one goal on which is to lose the rest of the weight that I need. Because I am running the Half Marathon I think this goal goes hand in hand with that goal. I don't want to run 13.1 miles with this extra amount of weight.
To reach these goals and more I have come up with some thinking and some do's as well as some don'ts.
1. Think before I put things in my mouth. I need to think long and hard about if I want that treat bad enough to work it off later.
2. Think about drinking more water. I drink water mostly but not enough of it. I need to think and drink more water.
3. Think about things before I say them. As a person I may feel anger or other things but I need to think about how it will make the other person feel before I say them. I think we can all use to remember that when you say something it is out there and no matter what we do we can't take it back. Apologizing wont remove that awful thing you said.
4. Do think about and do random acts of kindness and even random comments of kindness. You never know what a nice word to a stranger or a friend will do.
5. Think about taking more time for me to run and don't feel guilty about doing it.
6. Do tell my family and friends more often that I love them. There is a saying out there that says no one is promised tomorrow. It is true and if your tomorrow doesn't come or a loved one don't I want them to know how I felt about them.
7. Do forgive myself for my imperfections and move on working on becoming better. I tend to mess up and dwell on it for a while. I need to move on.
8. Do have fun in my runs. I started running to get some time alone to my thoughts. I find that when I concentrate on my mind piece I enjoy my running much more.
9. Do think that I am invincible even thought I know I am not. My mind and your mind are powerful tools and can make you do amazing things if you tear down the barriers in your Mind.
10. Do enjoy each success no matter how small or large. Enjoying my success in a positive way is key for me. I don't want to lose weight to go and have an entire cake.
11. Do move forward each day even if it is just a little bit. Baby steps in the right direction are just as important and giant leaps.
12. Do ask myself each day what I am doing today to reach those goals that I have set for myself.
13. Say something nice to myself each night. I take this from my friend Patsy and it is a great idea. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone. Before I go to bed I need to say something nice to myself to counteract all the bad stuff I have probably said or thought.
I am closing this with a thought that I found last year. I keep it in my wallet and look at it often. I think sometimes I need to read it every morning so I don't get discouraged and keep focused. I am not sure who put it out there but it says:
" It will hurt. It will take time. It will require dedication. It will require willpower. You will need to make healthy decisions. It requires sacrifice. You will need to push your body to its max. There will be temptation. But, I promise you, when you reach your goal, its WORTH IT."- Unknown.
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